Let's talk about cringe

as in, my first books

I watched a recent talk given by a graphic designer who opened her own consulting agency, and she said something I wholeheartedly agree with.

If you don’t go back and look at your earliest work and cringe, then you waited too long to launch.

My first book, then called Her First Billionaire, released in November 2012. I released 4 novellas (Her First Billionaire, Her Second Billionaire, Her Two Billionaires, and Her Two Billionaires and a Baby) that now make up what you see online as simply one book now called:

Her Billionaires.

Confusing? A bit.

That’s okay.

Because that’s what happens when you are a creator and you take the leap and give something new a chance.

My earlier work is messy because it’s not organized. Nothing was planned. I wrote a thing, Clark and I paid $25 for a stock image, and he made the first cover in GIMP (a free Linux version of Photoshop).

Clark formatted the book for me (back then we didn’t have the magical, incredible Vellum formatting software I now adore). I had an account with Amazon and put the book in KDP-Select. That meant people could borrow it and I’d get money from that.

There was no Kindle Unlimited back then.

I uploaded Her First Billionaire in November 2012, asked a few author friends to help me by talking about it in their tiny newsletters, and I just… hoped. Hoped people would like it. Find it. Read it. Tell their friends.

And then I worked on Her Second Billionaire.

Yes, we totally “cheated” by just changing the color and the title. It was cheap. We had to be cheap and frugal about everything because it was all new, all a giant gamble, and who knew this series would become a freaking New York Times bestseller within 11 months of the first book’s release? We didn’t.

We couldn’t even begin to fathom it.

We’re primed - often overtly taught - not to take chances in this world. Someone who once worked for me, who is in their late 20s (old enough to be my child, but we won’t talk about that…), told me that their generation is very risk-averse. They’re terrified of making mistakes because they’ve been taught that the stakes are too high.

“Generation Test” might be a better name than Generation Z.

Well, I’m firmly Gen X and let me tell you - that same “don’t give it a try unless you get it perfect” message got through loud and clear to me growing up in the 1980s and 1990s. Maybe it was my particular family culture, with a USAF Lt. Colonel dad and a very controlling mechanical engineer grandfather, but there was always a “stay in your lane” mentality.

When I said, at the tender age of 9, that I wanted to be a writer, I was laughed at - hooted at would be a better word - by my grandfather, and teased mercilessly for it.

You bet your ass I never shared a single word I wrote with family again.

Not when I made the USA Today bestseller list.

Not even when I made the New York Times bestseller list.

I was 45 when I finally shared it all with my family. My brother and sister were great about it.

My dad, well… that’s for a different story. Let’s just say his response took up quite a few therapy sessions. It was definitely cringeworthy. Not quite as bad as the time I was in eighth grade and asked him if I was pretty and he replied: “You’re smart and that’ll get you further in life.”

But close.

ANYHOW.

I had to fight against this attitude SO HARD when I decided to release my first books. Self-publishing was just coming into its own in 2012. People like Colleen Hoover and Hugh Howey were early adopters and breaking out just before I released my first books. I worked in academia at the time, and the attitude toward self-publishing was absolutely snobbish.

Not just condescending. Worse. “Why would you do that? if a publisher won’t take your book, it’s not worth being read.”

Mmmkay.

Nearly 3 million books sold and 11 years later, let me say this: I took a HUGE CHANCE and it paid off. I sacrificed time with my family. I found a way to do something I love.

I got extremely lucky.

And I screwed up a lot.

A lot a lot.

So many errors. So many mistakes. So many chances I took that DID NOT work out.

Survivorship bias is a thing in indie author world. Authors trying to “level up” look at high-profile authors (I’m chum in the water compared to those folks, sales-wise, but I do okay) and only see the success.

They don’t see (NONE OF THESE IS SPECIFICALLY TRUE FOR ANY ONE AUTHOR, but are examples based on real(ish) events):

• the failed deal with a retailer that cost them five figures

• the audiobook they spent $6,000 on and netted $700… four years ago

• the $4700 they spent recovering (new book covers) an old series to revive backlist that… did not resuscitate

• the 40,000 words they wrote and threw away because they couldn’t get past writer’s block at a turning point

• the author who is disabled

• the traditional publishing deal that didn’t even earn out their advance, and that killed all future trad pub deals

• the “friend” who turned out to be a frenemy

• the stalker who sent them a note talking about their kid’s school (and named it by name)

• the nonstop migraines from the pressure to perform at enormous book signings

• the need for wrist braces to sign so many books, and later - surgery

• the partners who can’t handle their partner’s sudden success/money/long hours and the resulting divorces

• the series that flopped

• the author who becomes disabled through an accident, autoimmune condition, cancer, etc.

• the genre-hopping that flopped

• the 13 year “overnight success”

• the father in Hollywood who helped in secret

• the former librarian with enormous numbers of contacts in library and publishing world

• the author who used to be an SEO consultant and whose spouse does Facebook ads for a living for a Fortune 500 company

• the author who was well-off before writing and who had $100K to drop on promotion before they even launched book 1

• the author with a profoundly supportive life partner

• the author without one

• the author raising a child with significant medical and/or developmental issues

• the author doing dementia care for an aging parent

  …you get my point.

No one knows what another author has in their life in terms of advantages and disadvantages, and we all know comparison is the thief of joy.

Authorworld today is not the same as it was in 2010-12 when I was getting my start. And while I run the risk of shaking my fist at kids on my lawn, cane in hand, I want to say this:

Take the leap.

Publish the book.

Write the story burning its way through your heart.

Cringe away.

The majority of people reading this aren’t authors, and I know that. The message is bigger than books. What are you holding onto right now out of fear?

Starting a business?

Changing jobs?

Going back to school?

Asking someone out?

Whatever it is, don’t wait too long. Don’t let fear hold you back from being creative, joyful, loving, or - dare I say it?

Extraordinary.

I live an extraordinary life now. It’s full of problems, yes. Lots of them. But it’s also full of freedom, creativity, happiness, safety, and a fluidity I never imagined.

So, in honor of cringe, here are my earliest books. You saw Her Billionaires above.

Now here’s Maliciously Obedient!

Original cover:

Yes, Clark made that cover LOL.

and now:

and Random Acts of Crazy!

Original cover:

Fun fact: this was the first book I ever hired a cover designer to create. It was Damonza, and it cost me $495 in 2013. I about choked paying that bill. But that leap made all the difference, too!

and today’s cover:

Random Acts of Crazy is the book that made my author career explode with fireworks and joy. I talk about what RAOC did for our life in this podcast with Kobo Books from 2018.

Thank you, cringe.

You changed my life.

---

Deep Discount on Boxed Set Audio

Love Sebastian York and Andi Arndt? You can get the entire Harmless series in audiobook on Chirp for just 2.99 USD right now (regular price $18).

---